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The following blog contains graphic content and is not intended for anyone under 18 years of age. The blogger does not endorse or recommend the activities depicted in this blog as they may be considered harmful and are not necessarily healthy.

k....so you've been warned now...

avert your eyes if you're a prude etc..


still here, eh?


BUNCHA PERVS!!!


Ahhhhhhh the Holidays...a time of overindulgence..it's all wonderful. I am a true hedonist. I don't deny myself any pleasures. Actually, I lack that little ' Jiminy Cricket ' voice in my head that says.." whooooooa girl....you don't need another drink..or...heyyyyy, honey...that's your 3rd serving of pie...or...Listen Lady...you need to stop laughing..it's not funny...you're at a funeral ." Remember that scene in Charlotte's Web where Templeton the Rat goes to the County Fair and he's rolling in the cotton candy and licking all the discarded candy wrappers and he has that little rodent look of bliss on his face....I can totally relate.

So...on Christmas Day...I was tipping back mimosas all morning...champagne and chambord all afternoon...and chenin blanc followed by Bailey's all evening..basically...I was pinned by midnight.

There are a few things that you should never do when you're drunk

1. never drink and drive
2. never drink and sign into S&M chatrooms thinking it will be a hoot...these people have no sense of humour.
3. never attempt to create a homemade dildo using your husbands penis as a template.

Okay so....a few weeks before Christmas I was perusing my local Sex Shoppe ( doesn't it look so much more fancy when you add the e on the end of shop? ) And I stumbled across this really cool kit

CloneAWilly

naturally...I had to buy it..I figured, what a terrific way to celebrate the birth of Christ! Clone my husbands willy!! ( yeahyeah I know ...I'm going to Hell )

So...at 1am Christmas night..I decide..this is the BEST time to do this..I stagger to my closet, where the kit was hidden, and present this ' stocking stuffer ' to my husband...I was about to tell him how I thought it would be fun and when I turned around to see his reaction I noticed he was completely naked and prying off the cap with his teeth. no encouragement was required. go figure.

If you clicked on the link...and read anything about the Clone-a-Willy..you will see that it says..JUST ADD WATER..sounds easy enough..even an inebriated blonde at 1am should be able to do that blindfolded. Pffffftttt......it was so NOT that easy...yeah sure I needed water...and a SMALL list of other household items.

1. marker or pen
2. scissors
3. large mixing bowl
4. thermometer ( provided )
5. measuring cups
6. stopwatch
7. duct tape
8. cock ring

Took me an hour to round that stuff up...couldn't find an intact cock ring..substituted an elastic band that was securing a head of broccoli in my fridge..

my husband..whom I might add has done NOTHING to help me, is now laughing as he's watching me set up the Chemistry Lab in what was once our bedroom. The only thing missing was a freaking bunsen burner and litmus paper and it would have looked exactly like Mr Butler's 9th grade science class.

Now the last nightcap has hit me hard...but of course..I decide to have another...because reading the instructions with one eye closed just wasn't challenging enough I guess. And this is where the fun begins..

The directions say...and I am only going by a rather fuzzy memory because I tossed the instruction sheet...but it goes something like this.

1. Ensure that the penis to be cloned is fully erect..at it's maximum erectedness..and begin mixing molding gel with water...water HAS TO BE AT exactly 98 degrees..stir mixing gel and water *WARNING*...YOU HAVE 2 minutes from the beginning of mixing to the insertion of ubererect penis or the entire process goes to HELL...start your stopwatch!!! mix with right hand...use left hand to ensure ' maximum erection level' has been maintained...THE CLOCK IS TICKING HERE...pour the gel into the cylinder that has been taped off on one end with duct tape..TICK TOCK TICK TOCK...!!!

2. Immediately plunge erect penis into gel filled cylinder and ensure that the owner of erect penis is aware that he has to stay THAT ERECT for 2 minutes or once again the entire thing goes to HELL. yelling at him to KEEP IT UP at this point can be counterproductive.

3. Ensure that you do this in a bathtub because they fail to tell you that when you slap the cylinder on the erect penis...a whole lot of the mixing gel floods out and pours all over the carpet..and it DOESN'T come out of the carpet...like EVER. ( if I was sober I may have reasoned that this spillage could have occurred )

4. after 2 minutes...TICK TOCK TICK TOCK!!! remove the cylinder SLOWLY...hahaha!! it wasn't that easy at all...it had formed some sort of impenetrable suction device...I don't even think light could escape...my husband..who was all a grinning through the entire process...suddenly looked worried...I of course laugh my ass off because as I mentioned earlier...I don't have the Jiminy Cricket voice in my head...

5. let mold dry....FOR a FEW HOURS...( damn...okay that alright.. what's a few hours..it's already 5:30 am )have another drink ..or 2....or 7...

6. IT'S TIME!!!!! now prepare the liquid rubber mold...and pour it in to the hardened pre mold and allow to set for ....WHAT??? TWENTY FOUR FREAKING HOURS??? 24 hours?? get out of here!!! I want IT NOW...24 hours..sheesh....

As it stood....the 24 hour wait wasn't a bad thing...I threw up for close to 16 of the 24 hours so I had something to do whilst I waited for my masterpiece. I wasn't feeling quite up to unmolding the next day...so I actually waited an additional 24 hours until I felt a wee bit more...ummmm....human again...BIG MISTAKE...the mold SHRINKS quite abit after the first 24 hours....like ALOT...

The unveiling was intense... so much hard work ( no pun intended ) and now it was time for the big reveal ...I was banking on it looking exactly like one of the beautiful johnsons in the Gallery


it didn't unmold well...actually..it didn't really unmold at all...I had to shove my toothbrush handle in the end and kinda 'crowbar' it out. ...it looked like some 'shrunken penis witch doctor 'created this..I have NEVER even seen a cock that is THIS colour?? It actually had a hump in it....kinda like Quasimotopenis.. when I showed my husband...he instantly denied it...stabbing his finger at it and sounding like Bill Clinton...." That is certainly not my cock, I had nothing to do with the creation of THAT penis, what the hell did you do..put it away!!!"

I was laughing too hard to care that I dumped close to $ 70.00 on this thing.

I think I'll keep it...just because I love the look on my husbands face when he sees it...all mortified and pinched.

How to hide the extra Christmas cookie pounds

There are days when multi-media fluffy info bothers me. There are other days however, that I just like to shut my mind down and allow the flow of senseless information in. You guessed it, today is one of those days.

So, in honor of the 'I have so little energy to care' day (which btw, I know 98% of us are suffering from today) this is what I've found for you. Grab a tea or being a true Hot Cherry Chick - a glass of wine, put your feet up and prepared to be filled with details that likely will make no difference to you.

According to 'Good Housekeeping' (okay, who in this day in age has much time to worry about how to keep a better house, I would have thought an update of brand might be a good idea) here are 6 ways to look thinner:
1) wear a suit it makes you look thinner, but only if the jacket is fitted and the pants are straight (so much for updates in fashion styling)
2) cover up you flabby middle with a poncho or a tunic, they are designed to cover!
3) make sure your bag is large enough - one that is too small will make you look bigger. OMG, need I say anything more on this one?
4) emphasize your assets - wear a substantial fabric skirt that hide heavy thunder thighs and shows off pretty, elegant calves - I just don't buy it.
5) when you dress up, opt for the two piece separates vs the gown - better fit is the result. No kidding, now how do two pieces that emphasize my not so tiny waist offer slimming qualities?
6) distract with details, a ruffled neck or plunging takes the mind off of the other areas that are not so good. Don't we call this smoke and mirrors..... this isn't a slimming trick, it is what it is, a diversion.

Hey wait, I've found some more, this from a forum contributor:

"Trendy People: People with no sense of style, who will wear anything (flattering or not) because some catchy advertisement told them it was cool, and the mannequin in the store front was wearing it! Generally the kind of people who get excited when the store clerk tells them that "that item is selling like crazy", while they are looking at it.

Stylish People: People who express their individuality through the clothes that they choose to wear, regardless of what the latest advertisements are dictating to be "cool" for the moment. Whether they choose flattering or interesting outfits, these people usually find a way to determine what trends to buy into and what ones to avoid. And, they may wear the "latest trend" for a decade and still make it look good. Also, they are generally the kind of people who leave the store quickly when the store clerk says "that item is selling like crazy"."

I also found an article on how to apply a self tanner to look thinner..... if anyone wants to know more, let me know and I'll forward it to you.

So, for all you Hot Cherry Chicks who are dragging your butts this week, wondering what happened to the 'holiday' in Christmas.... the week is almost over, hang in there!